A spork is the result of recent breakthroughs in the science of Utensilology. This is an exciting branch of physics which seeks to understand the fundamental utensils that make up the universe. Just as other physicists have managed to unify electricity and magnetism into the single force of electromagnetism, so Utensilologists have managed to unify the spoon and the fork into a single element - the spork. Work is currently focused on seeking the theoretical Grand Unified Utensil, known as the Kspork.

See also: Björk

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No, there's just no permanent moderator. The forum selects it's own moderator every week.

The whole point of this is to create a basically self-moderating forum. The hierarchical setup of normal forums is (in my tiny and insignificant opinion) a bunch of old scrotum. The best forums are the ones that police themselves, rather than relying on some figure of authority to issue edicts. I've found over-reliance on moderators tends to tacitly absolve the members of any personal responsibility for their own community.

So it's also a bit of a social experiment. I'll be really interested to see how it plays out, so how about you get your arse over to the forum and join in.

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As much as i've dared give them.

Basically, mods can do anything except alter karma, make other people mods, and delete the entire forum. They can add or delete whole sections of the forum, ban people, move threads about, that sort of thing. In fact, I encourage the mods to get stuck in and change the forum. If you think we need a whole new section purely for the discussion of that fat Star Wars kid, then go for your life.

But remember, you lose your mod status at the end of the week and somebody else inherits all your powers. So be prepared to reap what you have sown...

BTW, the mods can't read your private messages. Nobody can, not even the admin. Your grubby little secrets are safe forever!

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Forum users can vote for other users by giving them karma (or taking it away) You can only vote for somebody once per week, although you can give votes to lots of different people if you're feeling all warm and generous. Whoever has the highest karma at the end of the week gets made moderator, then their karma gets reset to zero.

Also, you get a big boost for helping the site. If you submit an idea for an article that I subsequently use, i'll double your karma. Submit a fully written up article and i'll triple it. See submitting an article below.

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Er, perhaps.

However, it does sort of depend on how people use their karma votes. If you give your votes to people who bring something positive to the forum, then you're doing yourself a favour. That's how i'll be using mine, anyway. I want the people who contribute the most to be given the unspeakable cosmic powers to wield.

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Nope, i'm not a mod unless you vote me in. I have an admin account for the forum but I promise that i'll never use it to moderate the moderators. It's only for posting updates and making techy changes to the forum code. If you have a problem with a moderator, you're expected sort it out amongst yourselves. You're big kids, after all.

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You can e-mail

I'm looking for about 500-1000 words, pitched at a tech-savvy youngish reader base. If you want to include your own multimedia such as pictures and video that would be great, otherwise i'll sprinkle some supporting pictures through your text myself. All I ask is that you don't rip off other people's copyright or hotlink pics. Any death threats from other webmasters or writers will be lovingly forwarded to your inbox by the Spork Webtard.

Generally, the website has four categories:

Going Out - Movies, restaurants, theatre, live gigs, events, mass pillow fights, etc.

Staying In - Books, games, TV/DVD's, computer gubbins, new sexual positions, etc.

We Like It - Whatever tickles your fancy. Go crazy!

Webism - Your favourite weirdnesses dredged up from the depths of the mighty Arpa. Possibly also for relevant and useful things, but it's not likely.

We also occasionally run special features, so if you've got something cool that you like to see on the net, drop me a line and i'll see what I can do.

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If you're a spammer, no. Fuck off and die.

If you've got a genuine site and you want to exchange links, then i'd love to hear from you. You can submit your site yourself in my links section. You'll be provided with some funky code for the link back to Spork. If you use it, then whenever someone clicks through to Spork from your site, your link will move up the ranking on my page. If your ranking sinks too low it will drop off the end. This stops spammers and makes it easier for my users to find sites that have similar or interesting content.

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You're using Internet Explorer, aren't you? That's just IE's security settings being fussy about something called Javascript. The Javascript on my pages is completely harmless, so you should go ahead and "Allow blocked content". It's just complaining because you've got your security settings cranked up so tight that you could bounce a coin off them.

The page will look much nicer if you allow the Javascript to run. Go on, try it.

Better yet, switch to a less retarded browser. The most popular one is Firefox, although Opera and Netscape are both good too. They're all free.

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I think the real question is: what did you think you'd find by typing that phrase into a search engine?

You weirdo

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Sadly, the exact origins of cheese are lost to the mists of time. However, befitting something that improves with age, it's been around for yonks. The Sumerians are recorded making cheese as far back as 3500BC (which, if it's still around, would be one seriously stinky piece of cheese)

Crackers, incidentally, have been around at least as long. Neolithic farmers would make the protocracker by baking an appetising-sounding grain-water-paste (ie: glue) on hot stones.

Wine also weighs in heftily in the time-tested stakes. Scientists have found traces of wine made from a Shiraz grape in pottery jars from 5400BC. Interestingly, the Sumerians again pop up as being big early wine drinkers. Coupled with their mastery of cheese technology this must have made invites to Sumerian dinner parties highly prized in ancient times. Especially considering that most of mankind was at that stage living in puddles and eating mostly sticks and dung.

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Actually, each daisy is several flowers. Each petal is what's called a "floret", which is functionally and structurally a complete flower in itself. This is common to the whole daisy family, which also includes sunflowers, artichokes and (bizarrely) lettuce.

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No, that's a filthy lie. In fact a duck's quack can echo, but because the sound of a quack gets quieter towards the end, the echo gets lost in the quack itself. Also, ducks are quite quiet animals, and you'd be doing well to get it to quack loud enough.

Of course, just because they don't have booming evil voices, doesn't mean they aren't deeply sinister.

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a bottle of pancake syrup, an axe handle, a nine-inch zucchini, countless dildos and vibrators including one 14-inch model complete with two D-cell batteries, a plastic spatula, a 9-1/2-inch water bottle, a deodorant bottle, a Coke bottle, a large bottle cap, numerous other bottles, a 3-1/2-inch Japanese glass float ball, an 11-inch carrot, an antenna rod, a 150-watt light bulb, a 100-watt frosted bulb, a cucumber, a screwdriver, four rubber balls, 72-1/2 jeweller's saws (all from one patient, but not all at the same time, although 29 were discovered on one occasion), a paperweight, an apple, an onion, a plastic toothbrush package, two bananas, a frozen pig's tail (it got stuck when it thawed), a ten-inch length of broomstick, an 18-inch umbrella handle and central rod, a plantain encased in a condom, two Vaseline jars, a whiskey bottle with a cord attached, a teacup, an oil can, a six-by-five-inch tool box weighing 22 ounces, a six-inch stone weighing two pounds (in the latter two cases the patients died due to intestinal obstruction), a baby powder can, a test tube, a ball-point pen, a peanut butter jar, candles, baseballs, a sand-filled bicycle inner tube, sewing needles, a flashlight, a half-filled tobacco pouch, a turnip, a pair of eyeglasses, a hard-boiled egg, a carborundum grindstone (with handle), a suitcase key, a syringe, a file, tumblers and glasses, and a polyethylene waste trap from the U-bend of a sink

all have in common?

They have all had to be removed from somebody's rectum by a hospital. Gerbils being the notable absence from the list. While anecdotal stories of gerbil-stuffing abound, no medical journal has ever documented a case officially.

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Because of Bernoulli's Principle, you dolt!

Basically, the falling water creates a drop in air pressure. This causes the higher pressure air on the outside of the curtain to push it inwards. Any moving stream of fluid (whether air, water or chocolate pudding) will experience a drop in pressure. Aircraft use this effect to create two different zones of air pressure on the top and bottom of their wings. The air actually shoves them upwards into the sky. Cool eh?

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You might be surprised to learn that the pigeons you see around the city are the baby ones. Fully grown adult pigeons have a wingspan of eleven feet and have been known to carry off livestock or small children. Thankfully they live on remote mountaintops and are rarely seen by humans.

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Well, they're fast, i'll give you that. Crocodiles have been clocked at 40km/h when lunging out of the water. However, after that initial rush of teeth and menace, they slack right off. Even the fastest species drop down to a sedate 17km/h jog, according to a 1982 study.

Compared to a racehorse, that's slug-like. The fastest horse ever clocked was Big Racket, who hit 69km/h in Mexico city in 1943. Laughably, even us humans can parallel the horse in croc-outrunning prowess. This whole sorry myth is put in perspective by the world record for a pantomime horse which was smashed in August 2005 with an astonishing 26.6km/h over 100m.

Sucks to be a crocodile, huh?

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